CFB Week 3 “Previews”

This week we have a fivesome of game “previews” for your reading enjoyment. Both Ryan and Jimmy contributed a preview of their own.

Rutgers @ South Florida – Thursday, September 13 @ 6:30 pm CDT

Author: Ryan

We go DI this week (I was gonna say big time, but this game does not qualify) with Rutgers at South Florida in an intense Big East Battle.

Mascot

Rutgers – Scarlet Knights.  They actually have a pretty long history of random ass mascots.  Rutgers used to be known as Queens College, and at that time were known as the Queensmen.  However, in 1925 they changed to the terrifying Chanticleers.  They changed to Scarlet Knights in the ‘50s in hopes of all-around good athletic promise, which apparently has failed.  The actual physical mascot of a knight in all red armor on his white steed is actually pretty badass.  This version, is not.  But good news, you can become the Scarlet Knight for the 2012-13 season.

South Florida – Bulls.  When the school first started they picked Golden Brahmans as the official mascot, and then took something awesome and changed to the much more lame Bulls sometime in the 80s.  A few years ago they created this – http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rocky_the_Bull.

Advantage – Scarlet Knights would never take down Golden Brahmans, but Bulls have no chance.  Rutgers.

Best Player Name

Rutgers – Freshman WR Ruhann Peele.  And yes, he probably won based on this.  And Marcus Thomson looks spectacular in a suit.

South Florida – Freshman TE Jackson Cannon, who should have been a QB.  And loves Jersey Shore.

Advantage – Rutgers.  The name might be better, but Ruhann is just incredible.

Coaching Staff (Most Awesome Member)

Rutgers – There may have been someone better, but as soon as I read this it was over.  In 2004, Offensive Assistant Devin Fitzsimmons won the Bucknell Football Moxie Award.  Done.

South Florida – Being related to Dr. Lou is not a positive here, so I’m going with WR coach Jerome Pathon, a former Colt, Saint and Falcon, who once did this.  Make sure to watch the full video for memories of awesome.

Advantage – Rutgers.  Anyone who can win the Bucknell Moxie Award is a winner in my book.

Location

Rutgers – Piscataway, NJ.  The name stems from the words Pisgeu (Dark Night) and Awa (Place Of).  Place of Batman.  Awesome.  Founded by Quakers – I do like oatmeal.  Lots of technological companies are located there, including the Colgate/Palmolive Technology Center.

South Florida – Tampa, FL.  The word Tampa has one of two meanings, depending of if the historian is any fun.  One is “Sticks of Fire” referencing the many lightning strikes in the area.  The other is “The Place to Gather Sticks”, which is also cool, right?  Sadly, neither of the names mean Styx.  Obviously lots of things are based in Tampa, but most impressive, they are home to the only Yuengling Brewery outside of Philly (but still not close enough to Oklahoma) and Bloomin’ Brands – proud parent of Outback Steakhouse, Bonefish Grill and Carrabba’s Grill.  A few movies have been filmed in Tampa, including Edward Scissorhands, Cocoon and Cop and a Half.

Advantage – South Florida.  Burt Reynolds and Yuengling.  This one was over before it started.

Notable Alumni

Rutgers – Actors James Gandolfini (Tony Soprano), Kristin Davis (the only cute one from Sex and the City) and Calista Flockheart; Adult film star Asia Carrera (she was in Logjammin’ in The Big Lebowski, which is beyond awesome); Food Network Star Mario Batali; many NFL stars including Ray Rice; the band Looking Glass, who had a hit with Brandy (You’re a Fine Girl), formed while there; and Supreme Leader of the NBA David Stern.

South Florida – SI Columnist Don Banks; Gallagher (graduated with a Chemical Engineering degree, which taught him a lot about smashing shit); an odd amount of Soap Opera actors; Tony LaRussa (that’s right, the smartest man in the world graduated from USF); many NFL players including Jason Pierre-Paul; actor Greg Pitts (the O face guy from Office Space); and most importantly, Hollywood Hulk Hogan.

Advantage – There is no way I can name a winner here.  Dead heat.  TLR, Logjammin’, Tony Soprano, Gallagher, Malto Mario and Hollywood Hogan.  There is just too much good here.

Decision

Rutgers takes this one on the strength of Ruhann’s hair.

Kutztown @ Bloomsburg – Saturday, September 15 @ 1:30 pm CDT

Kutztown –  Oddly enough Kutztown U. is in Kutztown, PA (pop. 5,067 as of 2010 census). Nothing interesting in wiki, but their Chamber of Commerce link did take me directly to a sight trying to get me to buy Viagra and Cialis.  Apparently the town isn’t growing but other things are. If you get an erection after reading this call your doctor immediately because you a sick SOB.

Advantage –  Kutztown – strictly based on their Chamber of Commerce site trying to get me to buy Viagra and Cialis.

Advantage – Chuck, you were a hell of a coach but General E. Rection is too stiff of competition to overcome.

Kutztown 4-0-1…Let’s face it Bloomsburg never had a shot.

[Ed. Note – If you want to write a future preview that sets the blog record for penis/sex jokes, Jimmy has set the bar pretty high.]

Baldwin-Wallace @ John Carroll – Saturday, September 15 @ 5:00 pm CDT

“Cuyahoga Gold Bowl”

Information from the John Carroll website about the Gold Bowl can be found here, although it appears to have not been updated in a couple of years.

Author: Bristol

Mascots

Baldwin-Wallace – Yellow Jackets. Stinger the Yellow Jacket likes to hang out by buildings. Don’t worry if he touches you with his stinger, he’ll quit when he’s finished.

John Carroll – Blue Streaks. The nickname was adopted in the 1920s after a former player remarked that the team was “tearing around like a blue streak”. Unfortunately, it is not a reference to the movie Blue Streak.

Advantage – Yellow Jackets. Or, more appropriately, BEES!

Coaching Staff (Most Awesome Member)

Baldwin-Wallace – J.T. Render. Render was a walk-on WR at Penn State who lettered once and was a member of the undefeated 1994 Rose Bowl Championship team. He was worked at Upper St. Clair High School (PA) and Washington & Jefferson College prior to John Carroll. Also, he looks a bit like Jim Carrey from Ace Ventura.

John Carroll – Tom Arth. Arth set 18 school records at QB for John Carroll and was twice named to the Division III All-American team. He spent three seasons in the Indianapolis Colts organization and played for two years in NFL Europe and one in the Arena Football League.

Advantage – Render. SPOILER ALERT – Einhorn is Finkel!

Best Player Names

Baldwin-Wallace – Spyro Spondyl, who is wearing the worst wig ever. Honorable mention to Pat LaGuardia’s Amish beard.

John Carroll – Tie – Buntu Biyana & Patrick Gawryszewski. Best hair – Alex Manos. (Bonus movie reference for fans of Mystery Science Theater 3000.)

Advantage – Biyana & Gawryszewski (pronouned “Williams”), with an assist to MST3K.

Locations

Baldwin-Wallace – Berea, OH. Berea is also home to the Cleveland Browns training facility and the Cuyahoga County Fairgrounds. The town proclaims itself the “Grindstone Capital of the World” and its symbol is a grindstone. Berea dimension stone was an important building material before concrete came into wide use. Berea was also the home of NFL Hall of Famer Lou “The Toe” Groza.

John Carroll – University Heights, OH. The motto is “City of Beautiful Homes” and the community is closely tied with neighboring Cleveland Heights, sharing a school system, post office, and many other municipal services. The city was originally called Idlewood Village but changed its name when the university moved into the area in 1925.

Advantage – John Carroll. Beautiful homes tops grindstones in the pecking order for towns, Lou Groza notwithstanding.

Notable Alumni

Baldwin-Wallace – Senator George Norris of Nebraska, the creator of the Nebraska Unicameral legislature; model & actress Claudia Jordan, a Barker’s Beauty on The Price is Right from 2001 to 2003; CBS tennis announcer Bud Collins; astronaut Robert Overmyer; Harrison Dillard, the only male runner to win Olympic titles in sprints and hurdles; and sweater-vest wearing weasel Jim Tressel

John Carroll – Tim Russert, the host and moderator of Meet the Press; astronaut Carl Walz; actor Jack Riley (the voice of Stu Pickles in Rugrats); singer Eric Carmen (All By Myself and Hungry Eyes); NFL LB London Fletcher-Baker; and Hall of Fame NFL Coach Don Shula

Advantage – John Carroll in a rout. Jim Tressel isn’t worthy of working as a busboy in one of Don Shula’s steakhouses. Throw in Hungry Eyes and it’s even more of a blowout.

Decision

John Carroll rallies from a Tommy Boy/Ace Ventura 2-0 hole to win 3-2 on the strength of MST3K, beautiful homes, Hungry Eyes & Don Shula.

Calgary @ Manitoba – Saturday, September 15 @ 1:00 pm CDT

Author: Bristol

Mascots

Calgary – Dinos. This is their logo. His name is Rex. Also, for no other reason than because it’s the greatest team photo ever – this. God bless the Internet.

Manitoba – Bisons. You can hire Billy the Bison to make an appearance at your event or just rent the suit. Or you could have a kindergartner make a costume that is just as good.

Advantage – Dinos. Rex will eat Billy. And so would the Unabomber.

Coaching Staff (Most Awesome Member)

Calgary – Head Coach Blake Nill. Nill played for the Dinos in the early 80s and spent six years in the CFL. He is in his 7th year at Calgary after serving as St. Mary’s head coach for 8 years, winning 2 Vanier Cups.

Manitoba – Receivers Coach Blair Atkinson. Atkinson is a former Bisons receivers who ranks highly in many statistical categories, including tied for most TD receptions in a season with 6. He spent one year on the practice roster for the CFL Winnipeg Blue Bombers and played in the preseason of a second year.

Advantage – Dinos. Playing in CFL > practice roster/preseason for the CFL.

Best Player Names

Calgary – Tie – Doctor Cassama and Alex Ogbongbemiga. Weirdest picture: tie – Tanner Doll and Spencer Duff. Warning labels for pregnant women are not just for show, folks.

Manitoba – Tie – Kienan (and/or Kel) LaFrance and Awot Btseamlak, who is terrifying.

Advantage – Manitoba. Maybe Doctor Cassama can tell me what’s wrong with those other 2 guys, but Kienan (and/or Kel) LaFrance can land a motherfucking plane.

Locations

Calgary – Calgary, Alberta. Calgary is the 3rd largest municipality in Canada and hosted the 1988 Winter Olympics. It was named after Calgary on the Isle of Mull, Scotland. The city annually hosts the Calgary Stampede, the “greatest outdoor show on earth”. The oil and gas industry dominates the economy as it is home to 87% of the country’s oil producers and 66% of the coal producers. Calgary is renowned in professional wrestling as the home to the Hart family and the place where the family trained many future pro wrestlers, including the British Bulldogs.  In fact, the Western Hockey League’s Calgary Hitmen are named after founding owner Bret “The Hitman” Hart. Other notable residents include Super Bowl XXVI MVP Mark Rypien, actress Elisha Cuthbert and actor Tommy Chong.

Manitoba – Winnipeg, Manitoba. Winnipeg is the 7th largest municipality in Canada and got it’s name from the Cree word for “muddy waters”. In 1919, the Winnipeg General Strike saw more than 30,000 people walk off their jobs. The strike ended when Royal Canadian Mounted Police charged strikers in June of that year, killing 2 and injuring more than 30. One of the striker’s leaders went on to found Canada’s first socialist party. Winnipeg is home to the Royal Canadian Mint, which produces all circulating Canadian coinage. The Winnipeg Bear, the real-life Winnie-the-Pooh, was named after the town. The city will co-host the 2015 FIFA Women’s World Cup.

Advantage – Unlike a lot of the towns involved in these previews, both of these places have a lot going on. However, Calgary takes this one as Elisha Cuthbert and Tommy Chong take down Winnie-the-Pooh and socialism.

Notable Alumni

Calgary – Astronaut Robert Thirsk; 2010 speed skating gold medalist Christine Nesbitt; Mozilla CEO Gary Kovacs; and James Gosling, who invented the Java programming language.

Manitoba – Fashion model Meagan Waller, winner of Cycle 3 of Canada’s Next Top Model; Chicago Bears DL Isreal Idonije; former WWE wrestler Don “The Jackal” Callis; and “Lets Make A Deal” host Monty Hall.

Advantage – Manitoba. Not a lot to go on here, but Monty Hall gets the edge.

Decision

Dinos 3-2. That team photo 5-0.

Rochester @ St. John Fisher – Saturday, September 15 @ 6:00 pm CDT

“The Courage Bowl”

The Courage Bowl benefits the children of Camp Good Days and Special Times. Rochester is ending their series with St. John Fisher after the season so SJF will seek another opponent for the Courage Bowl.

Author: Bristol

Mascots

Rochester – Yellowjackets. Rocky the Yellowjacket has a Facebook page and is the one billionth person to do a video to “Call Me Maybe”.

St. John Fisher – Cardinals. The only picture I could find of their mascot is at the very bottom of this page.

Advantage – Cardinals. When does a yellow jacket lose to Fredbird‘s retarded cousin? When the bee smells like Carly Rae Jepsen.

Coaching Staff (Most Awesome Member)

Rochester – Head Coach Scott Greene. A four-time letterwinner and two-time team MVP as a running back at Michigan State. Greene was drafted by the Carolina Panthers in 1996 and established a team record for receptions by a running back with 40 in 1997. His bio indicates he was the starting FB for the Colts in 1998, but the NFL’s official stats do not back that up. Career totals include 157 yards rushing and 1 TD and 290 yards receiving and 2 TD’s.

St. John Fisher – Head Coach Paul Vosburgh. Vosburgh has been the Cardinals head coach since 1991, guiding the team into the postseason in each of the last 9 seasons. He was named the 2006 National Coach of the Year. Vosburgh played collegiately at William Penn in Iowa, earning Athlete of the Year honors as a senior. He coached at DeSales Catholic HS in Niagara Falls, NY, William Penn, and Emporia State before taking over the program at St. John Fisher.

Advantage – Greene. Despite the little white lie in his bio, Greene’s resume is still better than playing at Billy Penn.

Best Player Names

Rochester – Tie – Shaquill McCullers, Ugwu Okeke Ewo & Ani Okeke Ewo.

St. John Fisher – Dalton Donk. Best Horace Grant impersonation – MarcAnthony Bucci.

Advantage – Donk.

Locations

Rochester – Rochester, NY. The Seneca tribe lived in and around the area until their land rights were removed. “Their land rights were removed”? Really? I guess that reads better than “until the white people fed them rotten food, gave them small-pox infested blankets, and bought most of New York State for $24”. I don’t care about the rest of the information about your city – that sentence is insulting. Except for notable people, I have to do that: Abolitionist Frederick Douglass, suffragist Susan B. Anthony, golf architect Robert Trent Jones, former NBA players John Wallace and Art Long, PGA legend Walter Hagen, MLB Hall of Famer Charley “Old Hoss” Radbourn, Olympic swimmer Ryan Lochte, and professional wrestlers Chyna and Gorilla Monsoon.

St. John Fisher – Pittsford, NY. Pittsford is an affluent suburb of Rochester through which the Erie Canal passes. “The early history of the town is marked by the punitive Marquis Denonville expedition against the Seneca tribe of 1867”. Punitive expedition? Wonder if that anything to do with “land rights removed”. Pittsford has the highest average household income in New York State north of the NYC metropolitan area. Pittsford is home to Oak Hill Country Club, which has hosted the PGA Championship, the U.S. Open and the Ryder Cup. It will be the site of the 2013 PGA Championship as well. Notable residents include model and actor Tyson Beckford, co-founder of Bausch and Lomb Henry Lomb, and women’s soccer play Abby Wambaugh.

Advantage – Rochester. Since they all eradicated the Seneca tribe that doesn’t serve as the deciding factor. At least Frederick Douglass and Susan B. Anthony later fought for some other people’s rights.

Notable Alumni

Rochester – Former NCAA President Myles Brand; Jay Last, one of the eight founders of Silicon Valley; Academy Award-nominated actor Robert Forster (Jackie Brown); Kansas City Chiefs offensive coordinator Brian Daboll; actress Debra Jo Rupp (Kitty Froman from That 70’s Show); and Francis Bellamy, who wrote the original Pledge of Allegiance.

St. John Fisher – Buffalo Bills CEO Russell Brandon; Edward Stack, Chairman and CEO of Dick’s Sporting Goods; and former Georgia Tech and current George Mason basketball coach Paul Hewitt.

Advantage – Rochester by a landslide.

Decision

Rochester sneaks away with a 3-2 victory despite the use of Call Me Maybe.